P.M. (Pessimistic Mindset)
“Just getting home, ready to strip and get into this bed, letting the day’s hairbun fall, scratching its friction out of my head.
Laying on the blanket for a little while, looking around this bedroom.
Dwelling on the day I’ve had. Not so great, not so bad. A certain period of being sad.
It can’t be so, but I know, that’s exactly the usual.
Laying down. Daydreaming and contemplating.
Thinking lately, about the lack of my therapeutic outlet, being able to boost this creative mindset.
I’ve been able to be patient and cope. This element shows the most of my hope.
Here and there having a few good weeks. Getting away and making good memories.
One heck of a July. Travels, beaches, fast food and bright sunny skies.
The good guys, the mirror, the twin and the outspoken voice for company. Those moments of quality time spent provided a getaway comfort to me.
Pictures, videos, & thoughts to remember with a train ride to reflect when the days were over. So much storage taken up on the phone you could call me a moment hoarder.
But it all faded when I touched back home, since then I’ve been back to feeling alone.
I’m coming back to reality, and there’s signs of a cloudy outlook. Searching and wondering so often when the peak point will happen in my book.
But destined to bounce back in a good direction, I’m going through these photos, videos, and screenshots in my phone to help spark silly scenarios to fight my mind and dodge away the emotional tension.
Trying to fly far away from the reality that’s mentally costing too much to pay even a little attention.
But I know all too well sooner or later that high is gonna fade away. In this room, good energy never gets comfortable enough to stay. It’s always that way.
I know by now , exactly how, to not do it to myself. Overthinking everything shifts me to a living hell.
Oh no, my self-doubt is starting to blossom, my confidence is heading for rock bottom, with the belief in myself becoming bottled.
Here we go. The depression has returned, I’m thinking more about my downs than my ups. The self-infliction of emotional pain finds its way to surface to erupt.
I’m growing angry, hurt, and fed up all over again.
Having to lie or hide, to protect my pride. Hard letting go regardless of how much I’ve tried.
Reaching out for help , wishing I could help myself.
Looks like its time to shut myself off from the world, an unprepared adult, so afraid like a helpless little girl.
Spending some nights wondering what’s an illusion and others what’s real, half of the time it’s too complicated to convey how I fully feel.
To anyone around or close to me, always fearful they’ll judge me. And so I judge myself, despite knowing it isn’t good for my health.
Intimidated by or pushing away around those who are doing better and are at a good place, not feeling good enough, finding it rough to relate.
Even after so long, the fear is still there. It always comes to what other people think in my mind, too much that I’ll find the energy to care.
A wise man told me, people don’t matter. Fuck them. I always knew that for sure. I only care because when it comes to me, I’m just unsure and insecure.
As I get overwhelmed, I take off these glasses and the tears come down. Crying so hard and long, I’m a little glad everyone is sleep and no one is around.
Having the energy to slip out an ‘I’m fine’, when I’m falling apart inside. Then with thoughts of distractions the tears stop and my eyes dry.
Shifting the focus to YouTube videos and Candy Crush, for a second they’ll take steal away that mental rush. Nowhere to go the next day anyway, so I’m like yeah I don’t give a fuck.
Hours of insomnia pass in the night like minutes, before I know it there’s daylight in my window and the period of feeling down and dodging is temporarily finished.
Body growing tired, I’m able to fall asleep and forget it all for a few hours.
I’m having nightmares cross my mind of ending it here, because I’m always afraid another letdown is near.
I’m awaiting a double-ended dagger to stab me in my chest, where my heart bleeds out, and my strength comes out, falling like an eye full of endless tears.
I wake up in a shock, looking around.
Half of the day is gone. Planned too long of an escape with sleeping. I guess that was wrong.
With the time I have left, I’ve got a chance to make today better . Can I smile like I didn’t cry last night and find the rainbow after that crazy storm of weather?
I have the hope, but energy for expectations? Nope.
I’m wondering each day with this hand I’ve been dealt, why? But I guess it wouldn’t hurt to keeping getting up to try.
Ready for that war with myself to be over, but there’s no sign of luck like a field of 3-leaf clovers.
My faith shaking, my heart breaking.
Me and myself fighting, too many emotions igniting.
Broken down and beat up,
But I’m still here, still standing, not giving up. That’s gotta mean something.
Going on because I have to. Pushing through because I have to. Trying still because I have to.
Wondering a lot what I do all of this for. Where’s the motivation, the heart, lack of regrets? Looks like they’ve been too occupied battling a pessimistic mindset.
Time to break up this fight, I just wanna get this right. Prevail with all my might..
.. And go back to my peaceful nights.”