The Fear of Happiness (w/ Pyro Tha Great)

“The Fear of Happiness”

By: Veezy Vibetime & Pyro Tha Great

Hey Siri! 

Play Scared of Happy by Fifth Harmony

I’ve been telling myself for the longest that I deserve more grace

Shouting at the highest volume how I was coming for everything I wanted until I was blue in the face.

But I’m currently in this conflicting headspace.

I’ve been in this bed tossing and turning since 9, trying to unwind.

I’m finding a way to convey what’s on my mind. 

Nothing but static and the things I wanna say stuck in stutters.

Truly it’s been a while since I was lost for words. 

Feeling the heat, and the burn.

As these wounds from disappointment I’ve worn are healing

A feeling that I have fantasized about forever.

Giving God His flowers in the form of gratitude like it was growing on every corner I pass, like GO as I’m walking towards my purpose. 

Right in the midst of the very element that I once yearned for.

This song plays for the 10th time on repeat as I travel further into the center of my mental matrix. I’m approaching the uncertainty I face, on the daily with grace, being gentle. 

Tonight is gonna be a long night.

And an interesting fight

Wait, because I’m not even close to being the fighter that I’m trying to claim, so let me refrain from the unnecessary combat.

They say to never bring knives to a gunfight

Usually I’m a straight shooter, but I’m short on ammo right now so I’m unprepared

Smart choice since I’m not here to bring violence to the battle between my confidence and my conscience 

I guess God’s got a funny way of calling me out on my fear of happiness.

I’m ashamed to say that I knew what to do with it until I got it.

Tell me.

Could you imagine being scared of something wonderful that you know you deserve? 

What if it’s these cries to my God finally being heard?

I know I’m afraid of nothing and I’m afraid of no one and look at me, being scared of happy.

This is crazy because I’m usually fearless, but would you believe me if I said that I was cautious?

Unknowingly giving side eyes to the sources of this happiness.

Always talking my shit like, “Who even sent you?” Instead of telling God “Thank you.”

The audacity of me ruling out the fact that I deserve something real so rapidly.

It’s tragic.

Gaslighting myself into thinking that it is okay to be timid towards the better things that life is trying to display.

Conversations in the night with myself, tweeting what I don’t have the heart or lack of pride to tell the people that I love, that I need their help.

I know what you’re thinking.

Don’t even fix your face to call me a ‘pick me’.

Even though running to the internet to lighten my load as opposed to the people in my corner could be sickening.

See Life humbled me,

The people I swore loved me the hardest tried to crumble me, with conviction.

Never thought that I would be hesitant towards the blessings God has given.

Maybe I’m tripping.

Actually, hold that thought to your ear and just hear me out.

They do say when something is too good to be true, it is

Truth is I just might believe it. 

And here lies the problem.

I hate the element of history because I’m no longer a payer of attention to my past but the debt has hit a default and left me a little traumatized.

Thinking of the days where the letdowns that followed the effortless expectations made it tough to open my eyes, making it hard to feel the power inside from the rays of God’s sunrise. 

19 to 25 

a small bid of my womanhood in a prison of mental demise, 

Empty smiles with pain in my body and tears in my eyes that could make a village never thirst again and not even understanding why. 

How is it that life got better but the optimism for maintaining hit rock bottom?

I find myself waiting for something bad to follow peace, because it feels too free, putting me in misery when most times, it stops at being just a mystery.

Compliments and accomplishments aren’t as astonishing because the experience is still out of my body.

But I’m learning to step back as I finally start to breathe for once.

Let me tell you what I want.

To live in the moment, rent free.

Front row seats to the movie of my madness, feeling all of that happy, with backstage passes.

All access granted. 

But don’t you confuse that with who has access to me.

I’m unavailable to what isn’t aligned and this time ain’t ever free

Okay, I’ve played this song for the last time.

Now I want a different vibe.

I wanna send in a request.

I’m rewriting this letter to myself after tossing too many good pages out telling the broken version of me to start eating her heart out, as I show her what a healed one looks like.

I can start to taste the sweet nectar that nourishes me from the fruits of my labor and the strength from the power of these lifted prayers.

Losing my virginity to things that I used to dream about and having my mind blown by the climax of excitement and positive pride. 

Seeing the things I used to tell myself I didn’t deserve manifesting as I learn these lessons.

Life is nothing short of a blessing, when it all comes down to it.

Let me take you to church as I’m reintroduced to my worth.

Father forgive me for I have sinned:

Get into a vulnerable position as you prepare your ears and your heart to listen:

I confess that I fear happiness because it feels too temporary.

I confess that change is scary.

But I’m up for a challenge to push the envelope and defy the odds of my mind if you dare me.

I confess that I overthink 

I confess that I’m quick to help but I have the bad habit of facing my storms by myself.

I confess that I’m a perfectionist

So committed to the trait that I won’t even attempt to do the things that bring me joy if I’m not doing my best with it.

I confess that writing is intimating

That 6 years of going without it was excruciating

But now this pen is levitating

I confess that I’m starting to see my worth that I came searching for and it grows stronger each day I walk the earth. 

Lastly, I confess that I’m learning what a healed heart looks like.

It’s honesty.

It’s purely a vulnerability.

It’s heavenly.

It’s the peak of my creativity.

It’s feeling free.

Baby it’s all of me.

And here I begin the journey to no longer being.. 

Scared of Happy.

Amen.” – Veezy Vibetime

“Hey Alexa, play Kirk Franklin “ I Just Wanna Be Happy”

“After experiencing heartbreak again, I’ve been finding ways to pour back into myself

I started creating vision boards
Writing affirmations
Going to God and asking him to deliver me
Realizing that not only have my oppressors have been guilty of causing damage to my heart
I’ve discovered that I myself am also guilty
Guilty for falling too deep
Guilty for doing too much for someone undeserving
Guilty for missing a person who doesn’t have me on their mind
Why do I stress myself out and blame myself for the faults of others?
I’m prohibiting me from being happy
Because I wanted happiness alongside someone
And while I constantly sit in misery
She’s out there living her best life

How did I become so heartless?
Why did my smiles transmute to crooked frowns?
Why did my cries to God become selfish pleas?
I just want to know what it feels like to be happy
Someone give me an answer
Better yet, someone solve this equation
This math is not adding up
This bitterness is overflowing my cup
This rage is overtaking my joy
And I’m pushing people away
Wondering why they chose to go
When I needed them to not give up and stay close to me

I start to imagine what it would be like
To be free
Free from being cheated on
And in love with queen who deposits grace in my body
I ponder how God’s favor will rest over spirit
When I remember that the sun still shines after the rain
I’m reminded that my vulnerability doesn’t make me invisible

Truth be told, I had to identify as a hypocrite
I longed for a worldly acceptance when I shouldn’t have
I should’ve left but my flesh wanted me to stay because the intimacy was immaculate
I was pleased in the right moments
And I didn’t want to let that go

Truth be told, maybe I am a crappy pastor
Maybe that’s why I haven’t reaped a harvest
Because I was too busy sowing into a disaster
That I lost sight of who I really am
Who I truly am

Truth be told, maybe why I fear being happy
Is because I feared being happy alone
Thoughts of growing old with no one to call my own is my kryptonite

Father, as I come before you on my hands and knees
Giving you all the praise and glory
Forgive me
Release me from me
Remove the shackles of strife and lasciviousness from my spirit
Create in me a pure heart
Restore the joy in me
I know you’re working on me to smile
Just don’t forget me when that day comes
I want my labor to not be in vain

I see my worth
I see the crown that’s on my head
I see royalty that’s covering me
And now I start the journey of no longer being scared
Of happy.
Selah” – Pyro Tha Great ©️