” I’m in a mixed place, seconds away from running in this race, with grace, trying to keep at minimum my mistakes.
What’s crazy is, I’m nowhere near a track or a field. I’m running on my words, exercising my actions and fueling on how I feel.
Wasn’t able to get any preparation in, I’m a little nervous for that, but I’m here now and I can’t turn back.
I’m thinking of how I wanna convey , the right things to say, maybe I do have to give myself a quick delay.
My prize, he’s over there, I’m eyeing that fly outfit he’s wearing, damn those eyes, that smile, uh-oh, let me look another way right quick so he doesn’t catch me staring.
I don’t consider him a trophy. Those are getting old. It’s all about his heart , his mind and his soul, that’s what I call the gold.
I’m figuring out what to say without sounding weird, my nervousness peaking whenever he’s near, I get so tongue-tied, choking on rejection fear.
His name is .. he’s my .. well, I’ll just say he’s far from a stranger, and I unfortunately know with everything in me risking what we have now, all of this could be danger.
For the longest time I’ve stayed in my place and I’ve given him that space, I’ve been too afraid a risky move could cause everything to erase.
But it’s time for me to stop playing these games. The fronting is getting lame.
Indeed this is a long time coming, its been him, he’s the guy I’ve been wanting.
Whenever he embraces me, like chocolate in the summertime, I start to melt. This is a feeling that I’ve never felt. Like a drug, he’s such a hard habit that I can’t help.
I’m going on each day, wondering on the low if I’m in love with him. Confused on whether this is right or wrong, zoning out to love songs, trying to figure it out.
I’ve also endured everything hard just to not seem suspicious, when I know inside having this courage I have now was one of the biggest of my wishes.
Deep down I’ve always wanted to ask him why he seeks around, when I’m the one who’s always there and holds him down.
I never do that for validation though or something in return, I just want him to know, and learn.
I’m there always genuinely
With or without my feelings
I love him just that much.
I can’t say it doesn’t kill me inside when he brings up someone else. Setting me up slowly to start doubting myself.
Wondering if my flaws, are the dealbreaking cause.
Well my girls are constantly in my ear, telling me to let him know what’s up, to just keep it a buck, saying crazy shyt like we should fuck, but aside from that I’m always believing I’m never enough, enough to be the recipient of his love.
That’s my doubt, let me chill before I start taking the wrong route, in this race.
I’m approaching the starting line, making sure my bravery, honesty, and heart are the biggest things to shine.
Here I go, in the air the gun of my conscience is about to blow , no more time to think , On my heart, get set, GO!!
As I take a deep breath , I start to walk towards him. I see that he’s alone , just playing on his phone.
I see him glancing at me as I come closer and closer to him. Oh my gosh the look he just gave me is giving me shivers, my vision went a little dim.
Here we are, we’re face to face, both reaching out for a warm embrace. I melted again.
I’m hesitant at first to sit him down & explain, then I remember no matter what, letting my feelings out would be such a huge gain.
The words flew like poetry, a lighter feeling came over me.
He was shocked to know I felt the way I did, but eventually he caught my drift.
Then the unthinkable happened ..
He felt the same about me , but let me know that there was a girl that got to him first. Not knowing that there was competition after all, Damn like for me, that was the worst.
Even us being friends, I didn’t know about this girl, but to him it seemed like she meant the world.
It didn’t hit me for a while, but talking about it now, its so wild.
I knew there and then, that was no longer my winning race, my love wasn’t enough, I came up short, losing to someone else, taking a sorry second place.
I burst into tears, it hurt me so much to know I lost the guy I love because of fear.
Months have now passed, and the love he found didn’t last.
I know now that he’s vulnerable, but pushing in on him now, I’m learning that’s far from tolerable.
He’s still my friend but I know things could never be the same as before. We went on like what happened didn’t happen, but the awkwardness was obviously there from our actions.
The friend in me is being there for him as always, I have to push my feelings aside though, but its so hard to let my love for him go.
My heart is longing for him to be happy, and I’m unsure if it will be with me, its like we could’ve been something so beautiful back then, but maybe we just aren’t meant to be.
or are we ?
The race put me in second place
But can romance grant me a second chance? .. ”
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